An ecologist, or computer scientist?

“Do you want to be an ecologist, or a computer scientist working in ecology?”

Caroline asked me that during our committee meeting. It made me think about something I’ve been avoiding for years, and realize I hadn’t moved past it like I thought I had.

I started my most recent personal statement with something like, “The word ‘mediocrity’ is in all my social media bios because I’ve never thought I was particularly good at anything.”

You might think I’m fishing for reassurance. I’m a PhD student at the University of Texas at Austin, after all. But deep down, I really do think I’m just an average person who got lucky. My self-doubt came through so clearly that the classmate who peer-reviewed my statement told me they could see it in every sentence I wrote.

I used to proudly say I am computer science student.

I still remember Sebastian teaching me to write “Hello World,” and the first lines of code I wrote for a group project. I remember anh Phuc excitedly telling me, “You’re smart, em!” (Thank you, anh Phuc. That moment meant a lot to me.) I used to be so excited to tell people I was studying Computer Science.

Sadly, that changed. My experience in this male-dominated major hurt me so much that I wanted nothing to do with it anymore. I was repeatedly bullied, manipulated, and constantly told that I am not enough. After a while, I started believing them. They called me performative, as if I only wanted the label of a “woman in STEM” and the admiration they thought came with it. They deliberately spoke badly about me to my teachers and classmates. Over time, I stopped feeling proud of what I was studying and started feeling like I didn’t belong.

I know we all see things from our own perspective, and I might see myself as the victim in a story they would tell differently. You might hear a different version from them. I don’t know; I haven’t been part of their circle for three years. I’m sharing this because it helps explain why I’ve felt so conflicted about this part of myself.

After all of this, I experienced severe depression and had to take a semester off from school.

Sadly, I don’t have an inspiring ending to this part of the story. I still haven’t moved past it. I still struggle with the belief that I’m not good enough or smart enough for computer science. Some of those people still try to contact me. If they read this and don’t recognize themselves, maybe they never realized how much they hurt me. That’s great, as I’d like to believe they didn’t mean to, even though I’m still dealing with that hurt years later. If you do recognize yourself, then hi. I don’t know what you’ll think when you read this, but this is why I went quiet and stopped replying to your messages. I needed to protect myself, and I need you to respect that boundary. I still haven’t forgiven you until now.

Because your words has stayed with me. Even after I got a job as a data engineer. Even when people at work told me how good I was at coding. Even when a colleague wrote me a postcard saying how impressed he was with my work and how much he appreciated having me as a colleague. I still couldn’t quite believe it.

When I first worked with Khoi and Bao in the Science Lab, I was scared, too. I still feel that fear when I work with collaborators or meet with committee members in computer science. I feel insecure and uncomfortable, worried they’ll judge me. Calling myself a computer scientist feels like claiming an identity I don’t know enough to deserve.

But none of these people have made me feel disliked or unwelcome (I really appreciated them for that). The fear comes from what happened years ago. They haven’t given me a reason to expect that kind of hurt, but part of me is still bracing for it.

Still, I’m grateful for how things turned out. There’s a line in my favorite song: “Dù đời lặng lẽ hay nở hoa, luôn biết ơn cho những điều vốn phải xảy ra”—“Whether life is quiet or in bloom, always be grateful for what was meant to happen.” Part of me feels like it was meant to happen, because switching from Computer Science to Integrated Science led me to Dr. Trang T.H. Nguyen. That’s where my life as a researcher began, and it changed my life. In Computer Science, I spent my days struggling and being told I wasn’t good enough. In Integrated Science, I felt accepted, even when I presented an overfitted model at a conference in front of more than a hundred scientists. I made mistakes, but people encouraged me to keep going. That’s the beauty of science, I think.

I love science, and I want to feel like I belong in it. Sometimes I think I want to be an ecologist rather than a computer scientist working in ecology. I think everyone looks for a community they can feel part of. Caroline’s question made me realize I have two possible paths, and I’m still unsure where I want to belong. After four years of studying Computer Science, I feel like becoming a computer scientist working in ecology should be the obvious choice. But the truth is, I’m still afraid to call myself a “computer scientist.”

I think I’ve really confused my supervisor, too. Almost every proposal or literature review I’ve brought to him has leaned toward ecology. At one point, he told me, “Don’t push yourself away from your strengths.”

I know he sees computer science as one of my strengths. I’m just still struggling to see it that way myself.

But when I started collecting data and writing code to extract and process it, I began to realize that deep down, I’m still an engineer. My mind naturally goes to figuring out how to make things work, more than coming up with research questions and testing hypotheses. I spent hours coding and fixing bugs, excited each time something finally worked. After everything that happened, I hadn’t felt that excitement in years. I’d almost forgotten it.

Then today, during my committee meeting, I struggled with Caroline’s questions about ecology, but my answers came easily when David, my committee member in computer science, asked his. I didn’t have to think as hard. It reminded me how naturally I pick up things in computer science, even though I rarely give myself credit for it. It made me realize how much my self-doubt has held me back. I’ve spent so long believing I’m not good enough to be a computer scientist working in ecology, even when my own experiences have given me reasons to believe otherwise.

But struggling to answer those questions doesn’t make me think science isn’t for me. A friend who’s had a lasting influence on my life once told me, “You don’t have to choose between what you’re good at and what you want to do. You can learn to be good at what you want to do.” I’ll keep learning ecology because I love it. And after today, I don’t want to keep denying the computer science part of myself, either.

So, a little awkwardly, I’m learning to say it: I’m a computer scientist working in ecology, still growing into both. It still feels strange to call myself that, but at least I have my answer now. Thank you, Caroline.